By Samuel Torrey
Staff Writer

Ah, the humble water fountain, so plain in concept yet capable of such immense delight or such utter disgust. Today, we take on the tragic case of R.J. Reynolds High School water fountains.

“Quality is important in the water,” Junior Avery Hargro said, a connoisseur of hydration.

Alas, Hargro’s statement was too simplistic. For a true tragedy, we must seek out the truly wretched.

“Cleanliness is key,” Junior Quinn Grady said, who recently transferred to RJR. “I am not drinking from a water fountain that’s got gum on it or is visibly dirty.”

Indeed, Grady has a point: with a dirty fountain, even the purest water is an abomination.

But let us remember the fountain itself. The pressure of the water and its location are both factors that can elevate or diminish a fountain’s glory.

With the above criteria, I decided to undertake an arduous task: to rate RJR water fountains. This was a serious challenge because of the varying fountains across campus. Nonetheless, I managed to narrow my assessment down to only the most important factors. A truly great water fountain has these five important traits: temperature, water quality, fountain cleanliness, pressure, and location.  

To take on this burdensome task, I gave each water fountain a score out of 100, with a 20-point range for each category.

First, the infamous Auxiliary Gym fountain. This crowd favorite boasted a respectable temperature and decent quality. Its key downfall, however, was its extremely remote location. This fountain scored a mere 73 points out of 100.

Next up is the Media Center fountain. This fountain is well-placed, clean, and had a really great start, but it was all downhill from there with its metallic aftertaste, a bit of a pill to swallow. An 80 is the best this water fountain will score.

And now, the tragedy of tragedies, the older fountain beneath the gym. Hot and foul in taste and low in pressure, this fountain is a real monstrosity. Being so close to the gym and weight room was a cruel joke. A score of 0 shows just how horrid this fountain really is.

At last, that ray of hope: The fountain by the women’s bathroom on the third floor. Cold, clean, and well-placed, it truly was a treasure. Even Mr. Diskin, a man with the most enviable of tastes, gave his seal of approval. A score of 95 displays how great it is compared to the others!

A tragedy of thirst, festooned with failure and the very rare glimmer of hope. Such ends the saga of RJR water fountains.  May generations hence find solace in the quest for a water fountain to stand above all the others.